Today post is going to be an undeniably too personal(and wordily…) but I just feel like I should just get it over with and write here. I think it’s no longer a secret that I’m currently in relationship and we (me & my significant other) are always bombarded with the same question “so, when is your turn?” (read: when both of you are getting married?). I usually just laugh and shrugged the question up – like a pro! B actually had proposed to me and I’ve said NO to him – without hesitation. I have my solid reasons to why I said no to him eventhough I did feel the current pull of peer and age’s pressure to settle down and create a family.
1) I am NOT READY
At the age of 28th, you and people around you probably think that it was the “right age” to settle down but I’m NOT. I have not yet accomplished what I have wanted to do in my life – I have not yet had the gut to apologize to certain people in my life for my wrong-doings and basically my life is still very fuck up. I don’t want to create a new life by bringing the old mistake to my future planning. And yes, I need to push myself more and start to take responsibilities for my mistakes and actions.
2) There’s more to LIFE
Don’t get me wrong but I do think that “getting married” is just a piece of paper that you and your spouse signed to be a legal husband and wife. Hence why certain marriage life ended up in divorce. But then again, I always think that getting married is not “the it” for me. It’s just another stage where you need to be more responsible for yourself and other people that you called husband and your children. Though I love kids (especially my nephew!), I still can think rationally that marriage life is not only about getting to have sex legally with your partner and have kids but there’s so much more to it. So, I’m hesitating still either to take the next step or not.
3) I am SCARED
Call it serious-stage-commitment issue. I have no problem committing in relationship, in fact I’m very faithful to my significant other and I can proudly say that I haven’t even thought to be with another guy when I’m with him BUT my past fucked me up so badly that I got cold feet everytime someone mentioned about getting engaged or married. So, when B asked me – I said NO. He is a great guy and the relationship that we have now is totally different with what I had previously. I could say – more mature and more supportive than before. To think that sometime I feel like I don’t deserve a good guy like him and I also feel bad for saying no but I’m glad he understand where I’m coming from.
However, now both of us came to an understanding that we need to focus on ourselves first and when the “right time” has come, we will decide together either we need to take a plunge or not. No one know when is the “right time”, in fact both of us does not know either. Have faith, keep praying for the best and let God guide our way. x